Grandma

Dear Grandma,
I can't express enough my gratitude to have you in my life.

Everytime I saw Grandma Edna as a child, she would bring me a Kit-Kat bar. It was part of our contract, and we had a mutual understanding: 1 Kit-Kat, if I was good. No more. No less.

When she greeted me, she would say “You know how much I love you?” And spread her arms, all the way out, as far as they went.

“I love you this much”, she'd say, like she was hugging the entire world.

“Grandma, your arms aren't that long”, I would say.

“This is as far as they go. But I love you farther. I love you forever."

I can't say I didn't test that love. She cared about me so much that she took my decisions personally, as a reflection of her. I knew it drove her crazy when I dressed like a hippie, or a punk rocker, with messy hair, too-small tops, and ripped jeans.
Grandma, thank you for loving me anyway.

We got in arguments when I watched too much MTV, or left the house to go clubbing in Miami late at night. I know I was 23, and it was a Saturday night. "What kind of person leaves the house at 9 o clock at night?", she yelled. Grandma, thank you for loving me anyway.

When I became a vegetarian, she was upset that I no longer would eat her famous meatballs. I told her I would eat them one more time, and so she came to the house, and made 50lbs, froze them, and put them in the freezer. I ate meatballs for another year.

When I had a German boyfriend, she sat me down to discuss it. I know her lack of approval was because it made her worry about my connection to her. I know she was upset. Grandma, thank you for loving me anyway.

She would also say, “You know? Your my favorite granddaughter. And do you know why?” “Because you're my only grandaughter.”

It breaks my heart that I can't be at the funeral today, because I know that if something was important to me, Grandma would make it there. I can hear her voice in my head. “I love you.”, I'd say. “I love you more.” she'd insist.

I will always admire her self-discipline and organizational skills; her attention to detail, and her value of putting family before anyone else. I will never, ever forget or stop loving her passion or her open heart. I will admire how she cared for me, at any moment, at any time, through any challenge. I could always count on her to defend me, to hug me, to say I love you, or even just to share a Kit Kat. In a world where many people are undependable, my self often included, I can't express enough what a blessing that is.

Still, our physical body is confined by limitations. I can't help feel sorrow for the pain Grandma was in over the last year, and grateful that she is no longer suffering. I wish I could visit her.

I miss holding her hand.

I can't express enough my gratitude to have you in my life. I say "have" because you live with me, within me. You're still alive and present in my memories, in a way that will never leave. Thank you for being there for me. I love you.