My grandmother died this weekend. Today, I dissected two cadavers, emiting Phenol Gas. One was an 87 year old women, with pink-painted fingernails. It made me question, is this the right line of work for me?
Inside the human body, looks like roast beef.
I identified muscles on them.
I wasn't as scared as I thought I'd be. Somehow, that bothered me.
Its amazing how we analyze pain to learn to heal.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Grandma
Dear Grandma,
I can't express enough my gratitude to have you in my life.
Everytime I saw Grandma Edna as a child, she would bring me a Kit-Kat bar. It was part of our contract, and we had a mutual understanding: 1 Kit-Kat, if I was good. No more. No less.
When she greeted me, she would say “You know how much I love you?” And spread her arms, all the way out, as far as they went.
“I love you this much”, she'd say, like she was hugging the entire world.
“Grandma, your arms aren't that long”, I would say.
“This is as far as they go. But I love you farther. I love you forever."
I can't say I didn't test that love. She cared about me so much that she took my decisions personally, as a reflection of her. I knew it drove her crazy when I dressed like a hippie, or a punk rocker, with messy hair, too-small tops, and ripped jeans.
Grandma, thank you for loving me anyway.
We got in arguments when I watched too much MTV, or left the house to go clubbing in Miami late at night. I know I was 23, and it was a Saturday night. "What kind of person leaves the house at 9 o clock at night?", she yelled. Grandma, thank you for loving me anyway.
When I became a vegetarian, she was upset that I no longer would eat her famous meatballs. I told her I would eat them one more time, and so she came to the house, and made 50lbs, froze them, and put them in the freezer. I ate meatballs for another year.
When I had a German boyfriend, she sat me down to discuss it. I know her lack of approval was because it made her worry about my connection to her. I know she was upset. Grandma, thank you for loving me anyway.
She would also say, “You know? Your my favorite granddaughter. And do you know why?” “Because you're my only grandaughter.”
It breaks my heart that I can't be at the funeral today, because I know that if something was important to me, Grandma would make it there. I can hear her voice in my head. “I love you.”, I'd say. “I love you more.” she'd insist.
I will always admire her self-discipline and organizational skills; her attention to detail, and her value of putting family before anyone else. I will never, ever forget or stop loving her passion or her open heart. I will admire how she cared for me, at any moment, at any time, through any challenge. I could always count on her to defend me, to hug me, to say I love you, or even just to share a Kit Kat. In a world where many people are undependable, my self often included, I can't express enough what a blessing that is.
Still, our physical body is confined by limitations. I can't help feel sorrow for the pain Grandma was in over the last year, and grateful that she is no longer suffering. I wish I could visit her.
I miss holding her hand.
I can't express enough my gratitude to have you in my life. I say "have" because you live with me, within me. You're still alive and present in my memories, in a way that will never leave. Thank you for being there for me. I love you.
I can't express enough my gratitude to have you in my life.
Everytime I saw Grandma Edna as a child, she would bring me a Kit-Kat bar. It was part of our contract, and we had a mutual understanding: 1 Kit-Kat, if I was good. No more. No less.
When she greeted me, she would say “You know how much I love you?” And spread her arms, all the way out, as far as they went.
“I love you this much”, she'd say, like she was hugging the entire world.
“Grandma, your arms aren't that long”, I would say.
“This is as far as they go. But I love you farther. I love you forever."
I can't say I didn't test that love. She cared about me so much that she took my decisions personally, as a reflection of her. I knew it drove her crazy when I dressed like a hippie, or a punk rocker, with messy hair, too-small tops, and ripped jeans.
Grandma, thank you for loving me anyway.
We got in arguments when I watched too much MTV, or left the house to go clubbing in Miami late at night. I know I was 23, and it was a Saturday night. "What kind of person leaves the house at 9 o clock at night?", she yelled. Grandma, thank you for loving me anyway.
When I became a vegetarian, she was upset that I no longer would eat her famous meatballs. I told her I would eat them one more time, and so she came to the house, and made 50lbs, froze them, and put them in the freezer. I ate meatballs for another year.
When I had a German boyfriend, she sat me down to discuss it. I know her lack of approval was because it made her worry about my connection to her. I know she was upset. Grandma, thank you for loving me anyway.
She would also say, “You know? Your my favorite granddaughter. And do you know why?” “Because you're my only grandaughter.”
It breaks my heart that I can't be at the funeral today, because I know that if something was important to me, Grandma would make it there. I can hear her voice in my head. “I love you.”, I'd say. “I love you more.” she'd insist.
I will always admire her self-discipline and organizational skills; her attention to detail, and her value of putting family before anyone else. I will never, ever forget or stop loving her passion or her open heart. I will admire how she cared for me, at any moment, at any time, through any challenge. I could always count on her to defend me, to hug me, to say I love you, or even just to share a Kit Kat. In a world where many people are undependable, my self often included, I can't express enough what a blessing that is.
Still, our physical body is confined by limitations. I can't help feel sorrow for the pain Grandma was in over the last year, and grateful that she is no longer suffering. I wish I could visit her.
I miss holding her hand.
I can't express enough my gratitude to have you in my life. I say "have" because you live with me, within me. You're still alive and present in my memories, in a way that will never leave. Thank you for being there for me. I love you.
On Death
On Death
by Kahlil Gibran
You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.
In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.
by Kahlil Gibran
You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.
In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Prayer
I used to pray, every day. And light a candle. Lately, because of a technological glitch, I'd been reminded to pray every morning. Now that I'm no longer reminded, it feels personal again. I remind myself.
To me, praying in Hebrew always connects me to my family, my ancestors. It's the language I've always associated with spirituality. It feels like a direct connection between me and God.
Here are some notes on Hebrew prayer:
Devotion from the heart, called kavanat ha lev, is considered essential to true prayer. Kavanah implies concentration, worship, and single-mindedness. “Prayer without kavanah is like a body without a soul,” meaning that the attitude of “service of the heart” (avodah sheba-lev) is required when praying.
When you sleep, your soul leaves your body, and it is cleansed. When we wake up, we say, why thank you.
I used to pray every day. I'd like to get in touch, again. This blog is a strange outlet for a creative prayer.
To me, praying in Hebrew always connects me to my family, my ancestors. It's the language I've always associated with spirituality. It feels like a direct connection between me and God.
Here are some notes on Hebrew prayer:
Devotion from the heart, called kavanat ha lev, is considered essential to true prayer. Kavanah implies concentration, worship, and single-mindedness. “Prayer without kavanah is like a body without a soul,” meaning that the attitude of “service of the heart” (avodah sheba-lev) is required when praying.
When you sleep, your soul leaves your body, and it is cleansed. When we wake up, we say, why thank you.
I used to pray every day. I'd like to get in touch, again. This blog is a strange outlet for a creative prayer.
Creativity
The process of transferring feelings into something tangible. -India.Arie
There were so many other voices trying to drown out my inner voice, that it was hard for me to remember how I feel.
With all the freedom I had, I lost who I am. So I went into prayer, to remember who you are. And without that foundation of spirituality, everything feels empty.
No expectations. You can't edit the truth of how you feel as its coming out.
There were so many other voices trying to drown out my inner voice, that it was hard for me to remember how I feel.
With all the freedom I had, I lost who I am. So I went into prayer, to remember who you are. And without that foundation of spirituality, everything feels empty.
No expectations. You can't edit the truth of how you feel as its coming out.
Freedom
It's amazing what makes us feel free. And not closed up.
New information came to light for me today, regarding a situation that has vexed me greatly over the last several months.
Trust your instincts. Speak to them. Someone that hurts you always needs healing. It may not be your job to heal them. But trust that the love is there. Always trust that the love is there.
I'm leaving my red bedroom tonight. I'm headed to Los Angeles on Sunday. Maybe I keep running from myself. Maybe I keep running from the hard work that it takes to make an impact. But I'm young, and I'm discovering. Thank you, God, for the truths. I know who I am is honest, is passionate, and is energized.
Love. Love. Love. Who you are. Offer healing to everyone else.
My mediation for the evening. Leave everyone better or the same from knowing you; leave no one worse. I'm trying. Stability, eventually, will help.
New information came to light for me today, regarding a situation that has vexed me greatly over the last several months.
Trust your instincts. Speak to them. Someone that hurts you always needs healing. It may not be your job to heal them. But trust that the love is there. Always trust that the love is there.
I'm leaving my red bedroom tonight. I'm headed to Los Angeles on Sunday. Maybe I keep running from myself. Maybe I keep running from the hard work that it takes to make an impact. But I'm young, and I'm discovering. Thank you, God, for the truths. I know who I am is honest, is passionate, and is energized.
Love. Love. Love. Who you are. Offer healing to everyone else.
My mediation for the evening. Leave everyone better or the same from knowing you; leave no one worse. I'm trying. Stability, eventually, will help.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Long Term Romance..
What I'm looking for in a partner:
*Someone fascinating, that always has something exciting and new to share or do.
*Someone who does not procrastinate, and is ambitious.
*Someone who can carry on a conversation about emotions.
*Someone who wants to commit to me longterm.
*Someone adaptable, thats always interested in self-improvement, and connects that to a partnership.
*Someone who likes spicy, healthy food.
*Who is adorable.
*Someone who likes to dance, workout, be active.
*Someone who you an take anywhere, and the people that I love will appreciate and get along with.
*Who likes upbeat music, sunshine, and LOVE.
*Someone fascinating, that always has something exciting and new to share or do.
*Someone who does not procrastinate, and is ambitious.
*Someone who can carry on a conversation about emotions.
*Someone who wants to commit to me longterm.
*Someone adaptable, thats always interested in self-improvement, and connects that to a partnership.
*Someone who likes spicy, healthy food.
*Who is adorable.
*Someone who likes to dance, workout, be active.
*Someone who you an take anywhere, and the people that I love will appreciate and get along with.
*Who likes upbeat music, sunshine, and LOVE.
"They call it Love, but I don't know...
 |
| Is that what makes us want to hurt each other so....?" |
"If I could just bring peace to your mind, I might bring peace to my mind too."
Sales
If I'm jamming to music, got my caffeine on, feel amazing, relax, and am happy...then customers want to buy massive amounts of perfume from me.
A lot of the universe is about giving. Giving back. What is most important in general is how we impact the world around us for the better. How we give back. And so much of that stems from attitude: remembering to be grateful for every moment, for every kindness. And most importantly, to work hard, while still being RELAXed.
I can't stop thinking about this amazing conversation I had the other day, and the incredible kindnesses that supported people have shown me. I want to be one of those people again: surrounded by enough support that I can give back the fullest, the most truly. I try, and I think this year has been a challenge and an amazing boon: so much has been given to me, and so much has been taken away. Trusting the universe is hard, after all I've been through, something that many of us have the right to say. And yet, at the same time, trusting the universe that opportunities will always arise, and our job is to discern, which opportunities are worth taking, and which ones are landmines. They are all open doors, and that is our fortune.
I foresaw so many of the difficulties I went through this year: my crazy, self-centered yet incredibly inspirational boss showed her demanding nature during the interview process. I was warned. My crazy, beautiful, and self-centered romantic fling triggered my warning bells the very night I met him; and yet he was so amazing to be around that I fell in love with him, anyway.
Some risks are worth taking, so that we feel no regrets. As hurt as I have been about some of the progressions of this year, I know that I put forth all the efforts I knew how to do at the time available. And honestly? If I had done more? There was no way I could have humanly satisfied my boss, given the circumstances. The trick is to leave feeling more open, more reliable, more real, than before.
And Love. Love. Love. At 25, I'm realizing that I've always wanted to fall in love like parents are in love. And for some reason, keep being scared of sharing my whole self with someone that I love in return. I've shown my whole self, with boundaries, to men that I didn't love back: so why get so scared of being vulnerable and healthfully expressing limits to someone I really, truly will love?
I want to fall in love with someone whose heart is open. Someone who will support me wholeheartedly; who believes that love is about giving and sharing, and not taking, defending and comparing. Who's looking for a life partner, not just a play thing. Who values women. I mean, to be honest, I'm still hurting from the heartbreak of earlier this year. I wish it hadn't ended the way it did. But I learned a lot. I learned a whole lot.
Looking forward to the hard work and the amazing future that lays ahead. I hope that I can serve to follow through on my best intentions. Thank you, Hashem, for the learning experience. Looking forward to a beautiful future. Looking forward to sunshine.
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