My grandmother died this weekend. Today, I dissected two cadavers, emiting Phenol Gas. One was an 87 year old women, with pink-painted fingernails. It made me question, is this the right line of work for me?
Inside the human body, looks like roast beef.
I identified muscles on them.
I wasn't as scared as I thought I'd be. Somehow, that bothered me.
Its amazing how we analyze pain to learn to heal.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Grandma
Dear Grandma,
I can't express enough my gratitude to have you in my life.
Everytime I saw Grandma Edna as a child, she would bring me a Kit-Kat bar. It was part of our contract, and we had a mutual understanding: 1 Kit-Kat, if I was good. No more. No less.
When she greeted me, she would say “You know how much I love you?” And spread her arms, all the way out, as far as they went.
“I love you this much”, she'd say, like she was hugging the entire world.
“Grandma, your arms aren't that long”, I would say.
“This is as far as they go. But I love you farther. I love you forever."
I can't say I didn't test that love. She cared about me so much that she took my decisions personally, as a reflection of her. I knew it drove her crazy when I dressed like a hippie, or a punk rocker, with messy hair, too-small tops, and ripped jeans.
Grandma, thank you for loving me anyway.
We got in arguments when I watched too much MTV, or left the house to go clubbing in Miami late at night. I know I was 23, and it was a Saturday night. "What kind of person leaves the house at 9 o clock at night?", she yelled. Grandma, thank you for loving me anyway.
When I became a vegetarian, she was upset that I no longer would eat her famous meatballs. I told her I would eat them one more time, and so she came to the house, and made 50lbs, froze them, and put them in the freezer. I ate meatballs for another year.
When I had a German boyfriend, she sat me down to discuss it. I know her lack of approval was because it made her worry about my connection to her. I know she was upset. Grandma, thank you for loving me anyway.
She would also say, “You know? Your my favorite granddaughter. And do you know why?” “Because you're my only grandaughter.”
It breaks my heart that I can't be at the funeral today, because I know that if something was important to me, Grandma would make it there. I can hear her voice in my head. “I love you.”, I'd say. “I love you more.” she'd insist.
I will always admire her self-discipline and organizational skills; her attention to detail, and her value of putting family before anyone else. I will never, ever forget or stop loving her passion or her open heart. I will admire how she cared for me, at any moment, at any time, through any challenge. I could always count on her to defend me, to hug me, to say I love you, or even just to share a Kit Kat. In a world where many people are undependable, my self often included, I can't express enough what a blessing that is.
Still, our physical body is confined by limitations. I can't help feel sorrow for the pain Grandma was in over the last year, and grateful that she is no longer suffering. I wish I could visit her.
I miss holding her hand.
I can't express enough my gratitude to have you in my life. I say "have" because you live with me, within me. You're still alive and present in my memories, in a way that will never leave. Thank you for being there for me. I love you.
I can't express enough my gratitude to have you in my life.
Everytime I saw Grandma Edna as a child, she would bring me a Kit-Kat bar. It was part of our contract, and we had a mutual understanding: 1 Kit-Kat, if I was good. No more. No less.
When she greeted me, she would say “You know how much I love you?” And spread her arms, all the way out, as far as they went.
“I love you this much”, she'd say, like she was hugging the entire world.
“Grandma, your arms aren't that long”, I would say.
“This is as far as they go. But I love you farther. I love you forever."
I can't say I didn't test that love. She cared about me so much that she took my decisions personally, as a reflection of her. I knew it drove her crazy when I dressed like a hippie, or a punk rocker, with messy hair, too-small tops, and ripped jeans.
Grandma, thank you for loving me anyway.
We got in arguments when I watched too much MTV, or left the house to go clubbing in Miami late at night. I know I was 23, and it was a Saturday night. "What kind of person leaves the house at 9 o clock at night?", she yelled. Grandma, thank you for loving me anyway.
When I became a vegetarian, she was upset that I no longer would eat her famous meatballs. I told her I would eat them one more time, and so she came to the house, and made 50lbs, froze them, and put them in the freezer. I ate meatballs for another year.
When I had a German boyfriend, she sat me down to discuss it. I know her lack of approval was because it made her worry about my connection to her. I know she was upset. Grandma, thank you for loving me anyway.
She would also say, “You know? Your my favorite granddaughter. And do you know why?” “Because you're my only grandaughter.”
It breaks my heart that I can't be at the funeral today, because I know that if something was important to me, Grandma would make it there. I can hear her voice in my head. “I love you.”, I'd say. “I love you more.” she'd insist.
I will always admire her self-discipline and organizational skills; her attention to detail, and her value of putting family before anyone else. I will never, ever forget or stop loving her passion or her open heart. I will admire how she cared for me, at any moment, at any time, through any challenge. I could always count on her to defend me, to hug me, to say I love you, or even just to share a Kit Kat. In a world where many people are undependable, my self often included, I can't express enough what a blessing that is.
Still, our physical body is confined by limitations. I can't help feel sorrow for the pain Grandma was in over the last year, and grateful that she is no longer suffering. I wish I could visit her.
I miss holding her hand.
I can't express enough my gratitude to have you in my life. I say "have" because you live with me, within me. You're still alive and present in my memories, in a way that will never leave. Thank you for being there for me. I love you.
On Death
On Death
by Kahlil Gibran
You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.
In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.
by Kahlil Gibran
You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.
In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Prayer
I used to pray, every day. And light a candle. Lately, because of a technological glitch, I'd been reminded to pray every morning. Now that I'm no longer reminded, it feels personal again. I remind myself.
To me, praying in Hebrew always connects me to my family, my ancestors. It's the language I've always associated with spirituality. It feels like a direct connection between me and God.
Here are some notes on Hebrew prayer:
Devotion from the heart, called kavanat ha lev, is considered essential to true prayer. Kavanah implies concentration, worship, and single-mindedness. “Prayer without kavanah is like a body without a soul,” meaning that the attitude of “service of the heart” (avodah sheba-lev) is required when praying.
When you sleep, your soul leaves your body, and it is cleansed. When we wake up, we say, why thank you.
I used to pray every day. I'd like to get in touch, again. This blog is a strange outlet for a creative prayer.
To me, praying in Hebrew always connects me to my family, my ancestors. It's the language I've always associated with spirituality. It feels like a direct connection between me and God.
Here are some notes on Hebrew prayer:
Devotion from the heart, called kavanat ha lev, is considered essential to true prayer. Kavanah implies concentration, worship, and single-mindedness. “Prayer without kavanah is like a body without a soul,” meaning that the attitude of “service of the heart” (avodah sheba-lev) is required when praying.
When you sleep, your soul leaves your body, and it is cleansed. When we wake up, we say, why thank you.
I used to pray every day. I'd like to get in touch, again. This blog is a strange outlet for a creative prayer.
Creativity
The process of transferring feelings into something tangible. -India.Arie
There were so many other voices trying to drown out my inner voice, that it was hard for me to remember how I feel.
With all the freedom I had, I lost who I am. So I went into prayer, to remember who you are. And without that foundation of spirituality, everything feels empty.
No expectations. You can't edit the truth of how you feel as its coming out.
There were so many other voices trying to drown out my inner voice, that it was hard for me to remember how I feel.
With all the freedom I had, I lost who I am. So I went into prayer, to remember who you are. And without that foundation of spirituality, everything feels empty.
No expectations. You can't edit the truth of how you feel as its coming out.
Freedom
It's amazing what makes us feel free. And not closed up.
New information came to light for me today, regarding a situation that has vexed me greatly over the last several months.
Trust your instincts. Speak to them. Someone that hurts you always needs healing. It may not be your job to heal them. But trust that the love is there. Always trust that the love is there.
I'm leaving my red bedroom tonight. I'm headed to Los Angeles on Sunday. Maybe I keep running from myself. Maybe I keep running from the hard work that it takes to make an impact. But I'm young, and I'm discovering. Thank you, God, for the truths. I know who I am is honest, is passionate, and is energized.
Love. Love. Love. Who you are. Offer healing to everyone else.
My mediation for the evening. Leave everyone better or the same from knowing you; leave no one worse. I'm trying. Stability, eventually, will help.
New information came to light for me today, regarding a situation that has vexed me greatly over the last several months.
Trust your instincts. Speak to them. Someone that hurts you always needs healing. It may not be your job to heal them. But trust that the love is there. Always trust that the love is there.
I'm leaving my red bedroom tonight. I'm headed to Los Angeles on Sunday. Maybe I keep running from myself. Maybe I keep running from the hard work that it takes to make an impact. But I'm young, and I'm discovering. Thank you, God, for the truths. I know who I am is honest, is passionate, and is energized.
Love. Love. Love. Who you are. Offer healing to everyone else.
My mediation for the evening. Leave everyone better or the same from knowing you; leave no one worse. I'm trying. Stability, eventually, will help.
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